Mortifying Moments

I know we all have moments where we just want to shrivel up into a tiny little ball and become invisible.

I had one of those moments just before I started on this program (12WBT).  I hurt my knee, badly, it blew up like a balloon, I could hardly bend it.  It would give way from under me.   I had it for about two weeks and it wasn't getting any better.  Well it would, the swelling would go down, when I was sitting with my leg propped up on a cushion, but as soon as I would start walking around up it would go again.  I limped horribly as it hurt so much to bend the leg and I had to be careful that it didn't give way when I walked on it.

People would ask "What did you do".  What I wanted to say was that I was heli-skiing in Switzerland and when I landed I hurt my knee.  I wanted to give them some exotic or great reason that I hurt my knee.  When the reality was I bent down to put food in the dogs bowl and heard a massive pop.    The reality is that my knee has trouble holding up my weight and it's not operating as it should!  That's the reality.  But I much preferred the skiing story, LOL.

So I went to the Dr, he ordered an MRI and I was found to have a ruptured bakers cyst, a torn meniscus (something like that) and the beginnings of arthritis!   So I was sent to a specialist.  Now the specialist I was sent to was a parent at my son's school, I knew his wife, our son's are friends or were friends (you know how kids change their friends when they are young).   So he inspects my knee, tells me that it may require surgery but then proceeded to get out some charts and put crosses here and there, he was circling areas.  Then just went into it.  SO, you are obese, you are here (pointing to one of the crosses he had drawn on the chart), you need to be here (pointing to another cross he had marked on the chart).  He then pointed out the obese definition (thanks for that, like I didn't know the definition already).  He then, without looking up, proceeded to tell me that I needed to exercise, I needed to reduce my calories, improve my nutrition and get the weigh off as being obese is a big problem.  If I lose the weight then the arthritis will stop developing further.  He just went on and on and not in an overly friendly way.  It was all very clinical, direct, not much emotion.

I was absolutely mortified!   I think it was worse because I know the Dr, I have to see him at school and I felt I was being looked down on, I felt like a sub-par human being.   I was so embarrassed and just wanted to turn invisible on the spot.  I've had Dr's tell me I needed to lose weight, both my cardiologist and neurologist (my torn artery doctors), have told me to lose weight and that was when I was 18 kgs lighter than I am now, but they didn't seem to deliver the words in the same way, or maybe it was because I didn't know them.

So here I am now, busting to lose the weight.  I can't wait until I can turn up at school and be a toothpick and say, "there I did it".  I know that he won't care.

I'm just looking forward to not being looked down on any more by those who are not overweight.  It happens all the time.  My brother is the worst!  He looks down on me and is SO condescending due to my weight.  He is SO fit, SO healthy, has studied nutrition.   So it will be nice, to be a fit version of me, so I stop getting the condescending comments and disapproving looks all due to my weight and not have that feeling that I am being judged because I am not thin.